Hermione Granger Take On: How to Kill Your Husband
by kyumis
Summary: Hermione Granger is married to Draco Malfoy. With 2 kids in tow, a successful husband to boot, a mansion as a roof over her head, her life was supposed to be a breeze. Apparently, everything was, except her one-month non-existent sex life.


"Hermione, I demand that you stop scrubbing the floor! Merlin, is that what you do when you are sexually frustrated? Your house must be hell lot of a clean." Ginny sat on the sofa of the Malfoy Manor, orange juice on one hand, the other flailing in the air. She had rushed over when Hermione owled her and said that she suspects Draco was having an affair behind her back. Hermione wasn't someone that jumped conclusions easily. And for her to come out with something like that, Ginny knew sometime must have struck.

"I know Draco wasn't someone like that. He loved his kids, remembered everyone's birthdays, our anniversaries. B-but these days, he has been so busy, flying around the world to meet his muggle clients. I-I think he is lying to me! W-w-what if HE IS CHEATING ON ME!" Ginny slammed her glass and rushed to her best friend's side, who was sobbing uncontrollably on the towel that she had just used to clean the floor. Wrinkling her nose in much distaste from her usually-very-coherent friend, who had just conveniently used that dirty towel to blow her nose, she let out a loud sigh, one that she was pretty sure to grab Hermione's attention.

"Okay, what book are you reading this time? The last time I checked, you read 'P.S I Love You' and flooed over to our house exclaiming Draco was dead because he left a post-it note saying that he was going to Tibet to 'meet up with the monks'. Merlin knows what the hell he was doing there. And when he came back to find you in an utter mess, he almost sent you to St Mungo's! Woman, are you for real?"

Said woman took the book from the coffee table and tossed it at the Ginny, before crumbling onto the sofa, going for another round of wailing. "I HAVEN'T HAD SEX FOR A MONTH! I feel so sex-deprived. Should I go get a toy boy? Oh Merlin, how did I even think of that! I can't leave Scorpius and Rose like that! Oh Ginny, what am I going to do!" Hermione was going to get all hysterical again. She just knew it.

'How to Kill Your Husband'? Surely Hermione wasn't thinking of committing any crime. Murdering Draco Malfoy wasn't something that she could get away easily with. Keeping the train of thought to herself, she flipped through a few pages here and there; the ginger-head girl was quick to grasp the plot. Oh, woman 'A' had a cheating husband, and she was a housewife. Sounds pretty much like that wailing woman in front of her who was staring daggers at her orange juice. Ginny swear, if looks could kill, her glass of orange juice would have shattered.

"You know, not all guys are like that. Harry travels all the time, but he still has time for me. Don't read too much into these chic flicks. Draco is probably just busy, with the upcoming deals and all. He's coming back tonight isn't he? Just throw him onto the bed and get things started. Scorpius and Rose can come over for a sleepover for the weekend." Hermione's eyes lit up instantly. She has never been grateful for such a good friend like Ginny Weasley.

Draco Malfoy was exhausted. Sod it, he was beyond exhausted. It was suffering from a serious bout of fatigue. All he wanted to do now was to get back home, cuddle up his wife and sleep. He couldn't even remember the last time he had slept decently with his wife. Groaning at himself, he recalled how she made herself paranoid with very minor details sometimes. Hopefully, tonight wasn't going to be one of those nights. He loves his wife, yes, he does, but really, a very naggy Hermione is not something he wanted. Or anyone for that matter…

Hermione on the other hand, was busy working her Plan-Get-Draco-To-Bed. The plan was simple, a simple night dress, some wine, some aroma she had come across on the net that was said sexually stimulates and a bed of rose petals. She knew her husband was going to get back soon. All she needed to do was the waiting.

The door slammed open, and Draco walked in, perfectly mirroring a moving zombie. He didn't even blink at the Hermione who was sitting by the armchair of the fireplace, muttering a quick greeting; he then painfully dragged himself further up the stairs, and made his way to the bedroom. Sleep, was what he needed the most.

Hermione Granger is appalled, speechless, astounded, dumb-founded… She can't even find a single right word to describe the feeling she was having now! Did her husband just ignore her and went straight to bed? Oh no, she thought. Whatever she had thought has come true! Time to save the last bit of marriage! If there is any at all, the bitter thought at the end was biting her alive as she dashed up the stairs.

"Draco, we need to talk." Hermione had forcefully pulled said man out of his bed, eyeing him with 'The Eye', as Harry and Ron likes to call it. Stifling a groan, he squirted open his eyes and his wife materialized in front of him. "Are you cheating on me?"

Draco swears to Merlin, that question almost made him gagged so bad, he thought he might have died then and there. "What! Hell no. How the hell did you even come out with this conclusion?" Okay, so he is fully awake now. His wife, like every day, has never failed to amaze him.

"Y-you come back home every other day, you hardly sleep at home, Scorpius and Rose asks me where the hell their dad is, I don't even know what to say! And you know what is worse? I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN A MONTH! Not even sex, I HAVEN'T TOUCHED YOU FOR A MONTH! Are you keeping another woman behind my back at this moment?" Hermione was wailing and flailing her arms around, she hasn't really crying or anything, just frustrated, to a very large extent.

"Baby, I have been busy. Work is done now. I will be spending more time at home. And no, I am not keeping any woman behind your back. Whatever you are thinking, get them out right this instant. Why did you even think of that?"

Throwing her book at someone for the second time of the day, Draco was taken aback by the title. He hoped his wife wasn't secretly plotting his demise. Cheating husbands, he thought, ugh. Typically chic flicks that pollute any woman mind with unwanted thoughts. No wonder his Hermione have been like that.

Walking towards her, Draco spend the next 10 minutes convincing the love of his life that he was still being fateful to her, repeating the words of 'I am here' and 'I love you forever' was tiring. But hey, desperate times come desperate measures. He was exhausted, but he needed her to know that everything she was reading was a bunch of bollocks. It probably took him forever to get her to sleep in his arms. With the last sniffs from the brunette in his arms, he fell into a similar sleep on the familiar bed, wife in hand.

He made a mental note before drifting further into sleep. Destroy Hermione's muggle novels collection and get her out of the library for the time being. It was definitely going to be difficult. But he knew just what he needed to do.


End file.
